You all know why the government got rid of the mafia?
They don't like completion.
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Starbucks is offering a new drink to honor Nancy Pelosi.
They call it the "fullacrapuccino".
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Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"
"No, I'm still alive."
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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
What did Barack Obama become after his forty-seventh year?
"Forty-eight years old."
A patient that was waiting for a heart transplant has the chance to choose tree alternatives:
1. One heart is from a young athlete that died from a car accident.
2. Second is the heart of a business man that never smoked or drunk that died from an airplane accident.
3. The last one is a lawyers heart that died after 30 years of experience.
I'll take the lawyers heart.
After the transplant, the doctor asks the patient:
"Why did you choose the lawyers heart?"
"Simple! I chose the heart that was less used..."
A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.
"I don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.
"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"
A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency?
He said quickly Obama.
When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?
A Liberal found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it.
The genie said, "I will grant you one wish."
He said, "I wish I were smarter".
So the genie made him a Republican.
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