Joke #14238

When is a retiree's bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!” The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down! She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, about 75, and carrying a large handgun.

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said: "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing". The boys were more than happy and continued to bang the bins. After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50 cents a day to keep banging the bins." The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities. A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my payment yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "That's it?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25 cents each a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

One afternoon, Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she says, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mable answered, “I have a suppository in my EAR?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m awfully glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: “Hello my son. I want to have a life insurance policy.” Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?” “You know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.” Even more perplexed the insurer, asks: "Again, sorry, but how old is your father?” “127. ” “127? And what will you do in Europe?” He answers: “We will go to the wedding of my grandfather.” Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?” “He is … Oh, 150.” And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: “Oh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?” “Bullshit, you know his parents are pressing him!”

Q: Why did the astronaut retire? A: He got spaced out!

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now. "I would like my grandchildren to say,that he was successful in business," declared the first man. "Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say,that he was a loyal family man." Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?" "Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age!"

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn’t have. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"