There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi. The taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them: "we have arrived". The first man gave him money. The second one thanked the taxi driver. The third one slapped him (the taxi driver). The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them had realized that the car didn't move an inch, but he faked surprise and asked the third man: "what was that for?". The drunken man replied: "control your speed next time! you nearly killed us!!!"
There was a fire at the local tax office but the fire brigade managed to put it out before any serious good was done.
Our family was so poor our Christmas dinner was the leftovers from our last Christmas dinner.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Chuck Norris doesn't need money he gets everything for free.
Q: What do the Jews hate most about the Holocaust? A: The cost.
Steve Austin had to be rebuilt as the Six Million Dollar Man after he looked Chuck Norris in the eye, shook his hand and then went weak at the knees.
"Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.
Q: How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft? A: When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.