Joke #158

What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life? You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter.
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A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"
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A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?” “Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”
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A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
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Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"
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When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!". Moral: Hard work is never appreciated, only result matters...
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Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"
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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man. "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "Nothing, nothing," said the old man. "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman. "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said. "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, "I'll take it!" The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. "Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
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What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks? You have pressure when your wife is pregnant. You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant. You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!
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A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy." The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. "Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel."
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