Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? A: Tequila Mockingbird
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
A redheaded man walks into a bar and sits next to another redheaded man. He orders a Guinness, and the 2nd redheaded man turns to him. "I'm guessing from that accent you're from Dublin?" he asks, in an Irish brogue. "Of course!" the 1st guy exclaims, "here, bartender, get this guy a Guinness, too." Their exchange continues: 1st: "Lemme ask you, what street did you grow up on?" 2nd: "St. Catherine Street. And you?" 1st: "St. Catherine Street, same as you!" 2nd: "Here, bartender, get this guy a Jameson! What school did you go to?" 1st: "St. Jospeh's Boy's Academy." 2nd: "Son of a bitch, I went to St. Joe's too! Bartender, get this guy a Jameson!" This continues, and as they find they had the same teachers and knew the same neighborhood kids, they proceed to get louder and drunker until a guy at the other end of the bar asks the bartender, "What's up with those two?" The bartender shrugs and says, "It's the O'Shaughnessy twins, they're drunk again."
College student 1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student. 2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match. 3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal. 4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents. 5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles. 6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping. 7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II). 8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads. 9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car. 10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip). 11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light. 12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself. 13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night. 14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't 15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week 16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it tastes terrible. 17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy 18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class 19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them 20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class 21. If your social life consists of a date with the library 22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap 23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room 24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have 25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class 26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn 27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter 28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over 29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference) 30. If you have built up a tolerence for beverages (he he he) 31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself 32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis 33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room 34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles 35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo 36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes 37. If you get more e-mail than mail.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course”, comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.” “Of Course”, replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Scotland are you from?” “Aberdeen”, comes the reply. “I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.” “Of course”, replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?” “Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.” “This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in ’62, too!” About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”, because there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”anisms.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Hunter: What has given Mr. Bubbles nightmares since elementary school? Josh: Beats me. Hunter: Pop quizzes!
Today in lesson Little Jonny went to the back of the room and Miss McRacen went "Not in the back." Jonny: "That's what she said." Miss: "Get out!" Jonny "She said that too."
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
Two frat boys were lost at sea aboard a life raft. On the fourth day, a mermaid came out of nowhere and offered to grant them one wish. The frat boys thought hard until one shouted, "I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And their wish came true. After they swam and drank in the sea of beer, the other boy shouted, "great, now we have to pee in the boat!"
2 people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.