Q: What did one tampon say to the other?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
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Q: Why did the lumber truck stop?
A: To let the lumber jack off.
Q: Why can women play hockey?
A: Because they have to change their pads after every period.
Sex is like math:
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply
Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?”
“Yes. Speaking.”
AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?”
“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”
“GOD! This is too much.”
“Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.”
“I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.”
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? And if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.
What do a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?
You can't f**k with either one.
I use camouflage condoms so they cant see me coming.
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem.
Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old.
"Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation.
It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems!
Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig.
The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
Dad: Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind.
Son: Dad im over here.
Vote:
Yo momma so fat when I crawl in her pussy I can't find my way out.