Joke #1869

Question: What’s the difference between your paycheck and your penis? Answer: You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don’t trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide." Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demande d to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried. "For cryin’ out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you." "Okay" the man replies "I'll go get ready." He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the f**k are you?" the man asks. "I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with." The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!" The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise. "Those little bastards!"

*My dad helping me find a gf* Dad: What do you want most in a woman? Me: My dick. *Grounded and high fived*

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A women who won't do what she's told.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike? A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

This guy comes back from the toilet, when a women says to him, "Hey, you have left your GARAGE door open"!" As the man is zipping his fly up, he says with a big smile,"Did you see my big black hummer?" The woman replies, "Nope just a MINI COOPER with two flat tires."

A man came home from the bar with an unknown woman. He woke up in the morning and yelled, "A crocodile, a crocodile!" The woman woke up and asked, "Where, where?" A man cried again, "O-o-oh, the crocodile is talking!"

Question: Why do men fart more than women? Answer: Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.