Joke #1869

Question: What’s the difference between your paycheck and your penis? Answer: You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

A guy asks a Chinese lady for her phone number she says, "Free, sex, free, sex, tonight." The guy said," wow" and her friend says she means 363629.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied 2) that there was plenty of heat 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

Q: Why did God invent yeast infection? A: So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying c*nt.

Girls are like an internet virus: they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile...

Q: Why did the girl spread peanut butter on the road? A: To go with the traffic jam!

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out. Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ..." "Oh no' Edna replies, that's where I put him to dry !"

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.  She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.  When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.  His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.  "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"  Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.  Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."

Q: What book do women like the most? A: "Their husbands checkbook!"

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates." The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's"

Three boys are walking home from school and they see a naked woman. One of them runs away the other two stay to watch. The next day they are walking home from school and they see the naked woman again, and again the same boy runs away. Another day later they are walking home and they see the naked woman again, as the boy tries to run away the other boys grab him and ask, "What are you gay or something don't you like looking at naked women?" He replied, "Yeah, I love looking at naked women but my mom said that if I see one I'll turn into stone and I feel something starting to get hard."