Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
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Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.
If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Pavlov walks into a bar.
The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."
The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?"
"Yes. What can we do for you?"
"I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood."
"Thank you, this will be noted."
Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no cocaine, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for you?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Okay, now it’s YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
Q: Why did the Energizer cell go to court?
A: For charges of battery.
Q: What's the difference between my phone and Stephen Hawking?
A: When my phone dies, I actually give a fuck.
What do you call a black guy that doesn't rape white women?
An inmate.
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A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang.
It was her husband, urgently warning her, “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car!” said the blonde.
“There’s f*ck*ng hundreds of them!”
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"
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