Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
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Question: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
Answer: The dog, because he’ll shut up after you let him in.
A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings.
Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."
Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for £1 million?
Woman: Why Winston, yes I would.
Churchill: What about £10?
Woman: What sort of woman do you think I am?
Churchill: We have already established what sort of woman you are, now we are just negotiating the price.
If your girlfriend never makes you angry, she is fake. A real one acts like an evil spirit.
Q: You know why women haven't landed on the moon?
A: Because there is no shopping centre.
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, “Because you’re ugly.”