Sometimes I wish I was a bird: I would fly over certain people and shit on their heads.
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My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day.
She showed it to me, and it was BDSM.
She asked me "What we should do?"
Me: "Probably not spank him."
She belted me with the magazine.
Now I know where he gets it from.
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Your mama is so stupid, when she lost her dildo she called the cops to look for it.
Can I read your t-shirt in braille?
What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
China lets Chuck Norris search for porn on Google.
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, “Mary. Mary.”
“Is that you, Fred?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.”
“Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.”
“Not exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”
A famous American golfer is invited to go to China for a golfing tournament.
From the second he gets there, he is treated like a king.
He is given five-star treatment in a five-star hotel until the day of the tournament.
The night before the tournament, he is sitting in his hotel room watching TV.
A hot Asian girl walks up to his room and he says, "Wow. They must really love me here."
He begins to have sex with her the whole night.
She continues to scream, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!," but he ignores it.
At the tournament, the American golfer gets a hole-in-one and gets really excited.
He starts yelling, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!"
One of the Chinese golfers says, "What do you mean 'WRONG HOLE'?"
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child.
So the jury asks the woman first.
She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."
The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.
The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
A father has three daughters that are all getting married on the same day.
He asks his oldest daughter, ''Who do you wish to marry?
She says, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.''
He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question.
She replies, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with two dragons on his chest.''
He then goes to his youngest daughter and asks her the same thing:
''Who do you wish to marry?''
She replies, ''I wish to marry the man with one draggin' on the floor!''
"Johny, please, tell us, what do you do the whole day, so?"
"So, in the morning I cut the wood, sometimes with both hands, 5 minutes a day I play the guitar, to tell the truth. And in the afternoon I go to my garden to water the flowers. The lilies of the valleys and may-flowers I water most likely. Yes, they are really cute. Then I tear the leaflets to find out if the neighbor (her husband is not at home) loves me or not. The last time it came out that she loves me, fuck."