A grasshopper walks into a pub, pulls up a stool, and orders beer.
The bartender gives him a mug and says, "you know, we have a drink named after you."
And the grasshopper replies, "you have a drink named Bob?"
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What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
A gorilla walks into a pub, pulls up a stool, and orders beer.
The bartender gives him a mug and says, "that'll be five bucks."
As the gorilla reaches for his pocket, the bartender adds, "you know, we don't usually get many gorilla customers in here."
The gorilla shrugged and replies, "at five bucks a beer, it's no wonder . . ."
Q: What is a blondes' reaction to hearing "drinks are on the house".
A: Where's the stairs.
A bus conductor asks a drunk for his ticket.
He goes through all his pockets but can’t find it.
‘It’s okay,’ says the conductor.
‘I’m sure you paid.’
‘Never mind that,’ says the drunk.
‘If I can’t find it how am I supposed to know where I’m going?’
A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said.
"How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Overheard in a restaurant:
She: "This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste."
He: "Are you describing the wine or your mother?"
Vote:
Where does an Irish family go on holiday?
A different bar.
Two old drunks in a bar.
The first one says,
"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands.
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer.
He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???'
The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.'
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!