A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.
"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender.
"Who gave those beauties to you?"
"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam.
"I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe, and the giraffe gets waay too drunk.
The bartender says, "Hey! you can't leave that lyin' there!"
The guy goes, "that's not a lion its a giraffe!"
Two protons walk into the bar and run into each other.
One of them falls down.
"Are you OK?" asks the other.
"I think so," says the proton.
"You sure?" the other asks.
"Yeah," says the proton..."I'm positive."
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About eight beers.
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied.
"I use those in my act.’
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by.
The driver did a double take, and said, "My God.
I've got to give up drinking!
Look at the test they're giving now."
A patient comes to a doctor, who asks him:
- Do you smoke?
- No.
- Do you drink?
- No.
- Do you eat fast food?
- No.
- Don't worry, I'll find something anyways...
Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
A bus carrying nuns crashes over a cliff , all are killed!
They all line up at the pearly gates and ST peter stands there with his book.
He calls the first nun up and says "Have you ever touched a penis" ,she replies
"I only ever touched one with my index finger."
He says "Well give one hell mary and dip your finger in the holly water and go throught the gates."
He calls the second nun and says "have you ever touched a penis."
She replies "I did touch one once with my left hand."
He says "well give three hell marys dip your hand in the holly water and go through the gate."
Next thing a nuns comes running through all the othere nuns knocking this over and pushing all the othere nuns out of the way.
ST Peter says "What's all the hurry?"
The nun replies "Well I would like to gargle before sister mary dips her arse in the holly water."