A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you.
You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
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A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police.
The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man.
"Is there a fat bird in my car?"
A very short painter walks into a Parisian bar and offers to buy his friend a drink.
His friend, rushing out of the door, shouts, ‘Can’t stop now, no time Toulouse.’
The Bible says I'll pay for my sins.
I already do, Escorts, drugs and alcohol don't come free.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.
"Owch!" the Chinese man says.
"What was that for?"
"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.
"But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"
And the Jewish man sits back down.
Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says.
"But that was an iceberg!"
"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar.
He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her.
By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait!
He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."
A leprechaun walks into a bar.
After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all his legs.
The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat.
"If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again, or I'll rip off your little tallywagger," yells the mean-looking guy.
After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again.
This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun.
"All right, I've got you this time.
I warned you -- now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywagger!"
The leprechaun laughs, "You can't do that."
"Why not?" asks his captor.
"Because," giggles the leprechaun, "leprechauns don't have tallywaggers."
"Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?" growls the angry man, "How in the hell do you pee?"
"Just like this," laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.
Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.
The taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them: "we have arrived".
The first man gave him money.
The second one thanked the taxi driver.
The third one slapped him (the taxi driver).
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them had realized that the car didn't move an inch, but he faked surprise and asked the third man: "what was that for?".
The drunken man replied: "control your speed next time! you nearly killed us!!!"
My Grandma is in her 90's and she still doesn't need glasses.
She just drinks straight out of the bottle.
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."