What do we do with crude oil?
Teach it some manners!
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Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.
He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him?
Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Yo momma so ugly that she made all her blind kids cry.
Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!
What do you call a young army?
Infantry.
Husband: "Good night mother of my three sons."
Wife: "Same to you father of none."
Why are little girls better than little boys?
Because when you're finished using them as little girls, you can turn them over and use them as little boys.
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Q: What is a banana's favorite gymnastic move?
A: The splits!
Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.
Vote:
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school.
Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."