A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad". (at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?". He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"! He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her. The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!" The man replied with "NO WAY!" And the wife said "YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home." The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
Yo mama so scary, every time someone throws shots, she calls the police.
There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
College student 1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student. 2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match. 3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal. 4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents. 5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles. 6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping. 7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II). 8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads. 9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car. 10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip). 11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light. 12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself. 13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night. 14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't 15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week 16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it tastes terrible. 17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy 18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class 19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them 20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class 21. If your social life consists of a date with the library 22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap 23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room 24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have 25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class 26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn 27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter 28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over 29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference) 30. If you have built up a tolerence for beverages (he he he) 31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself 32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis 33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room 34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles 35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo 36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes 37. If you get more e-mail than mail.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.
A Native American walks into a bar with a cat, a bag of sh*t and a shotgun. He asks for a bottle of whiskey and immediately downs it. He throws the bag of sh*t up in the air, shoots it with his shotgun, and takes a big bite of the cat's ass. The bartender asks, "Buddy, what the hell are you doing?" The Native American responds, "I want to be like the white man: get drunk, shoot the sh*t and eat pussy."
A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. "In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. "Do you have golden chairs?" "Yes." "Do you have golden glasses?" "Yes." "Do you have golden beer?" "Yes." "Do you have a golden urinal?" "Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."