A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
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A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call.
I need my garden plowed."
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed.
She could see the light was on from the bedroom window.
As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things.
The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works.
Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot Them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Police are called to a home to fins man standing over the lifeless body of a woman with a five iron in his hand.
The police ask, "is that your wife?"
"Yes" says the man.
"Did you kill her with that golf club?"
"Yes" says the man sobbing and then dropping the club.
"How many times did you hit her?"
The man says, "five, six or seven times. But put me down for a five."
A man was made the police chief in a nudist colony.
He liked the job, but putting on the badge was murder!
"Are you two twins?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes."
"OK that's enough, your driver's license please."
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.
"You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked."
"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.