There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."
A Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Bangladeshi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." Sardarji, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pakistani and Bangladeshi. He says "In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
Q: What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar? A: Gimme a slug of whiskey.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him. 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party? They're both out looking for a tight seal.
I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern. The Irishman says, "...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink." The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.." The Pollack then says "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid !". The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee...that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there ?" "No..." said the Pollack, "...but my sister has ..."
A drunk on his way home from a bar one night realizes that he has dropped his keys. He gets down on his hands and knees and starts groping around beneath a lamppost. A policeman asks what he’s doing. "I lost my keys in the park,” says the drunk. "Then why are you looking for them under the lamppost?” asks the puzzled cop. "Because,” says the drunk, "that’s where the light is.”
Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread.
A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."