Joke #3251

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.

Either the woman at the back of the train has two really ugly children, or two seriously cool Pokémons.

What do you give Mikey for his 18th birthday? A 90 year old woman, because Mikey will eat anything.

My Dearest Susan, Sweetie of my heart. I’ve been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won’t you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won’t you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so. Yours always and truly, John P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20." "Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again. "Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?" "Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters. The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter”s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!” “It gets worse than that,” says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!” “Oh, it gets even worse than that,” says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and you”ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn’t even know that she had a penis!”

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Q: How do you know if a girl is pregnant? A: Shove a tampon and see if all of the cotton is picked.

A pregnant lady learns from her dentist that she needs a root canal. She says to the dentist, "darn ... I'd just as soon give birth as have a root canal". The dentist replies, "well, make up your mind so I know what position to put the chair in".