What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
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Got married last weekend. Wife knows f**king everything.
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.
My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her… Or something like that.
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
Comebacks to that all time favorite question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. Because I just love hearing this question.
4. Just lucky, I guess.
5. It gives my mother something to live for.
6. My fiancé is awaiting his/her parole.
7. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
8. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
9. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
10. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
13. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
14. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
15. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
16. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
17. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
18. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
19. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
20. Why aren't you thin?
21. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
22. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.
I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Vote:
Three guys talk in a bar.
Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them.
The third guy remains quiet.
Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you?
Do you rule your roost?"
The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
"What happened then?" they ask.
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle?
A: They realize they've given their last blow jobs.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"