Joke #3384

A young woman all excited called up her local police department and said, "I have a sex maniac in my apartment!" The officer at the other end said, "We'll be right over lady." The woman said, "Can you wait till morning?"

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in their area. The police tell the drunk party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. SMITH is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find their police car, with the lights still flashing.

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing." The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?" "A month." "Why did you wait so long to report it?" "Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn’t have any clean clothes to wear."

What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits home? A search warren.

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk. The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car. Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes. Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot. Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away. Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing. The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed. When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?" To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Officer: "your eyes look red man have you been smoking weed." Suspect: "officer your eyes look glazed like you has had doughnuts."

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman… “Mr Cook?” “Yes,” I replied. “I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.” I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: "Do you know where your going?" Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.

A black guy and his black girlfriend are in a car. Who's driving? "The cop!"