Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent.
"I'm not quite sure what you mean.
Could you elaborate?"
"Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."
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Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle?
A: They realize they've given their last blow jobs.
One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer.
His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted".
He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough."
His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?"
He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.
Vote:
Wife: "There is something wrong with you."
Me: "What a thing to say just before our dog's first salsa lesson."
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said.
"That was when mommy came to work for us?"
How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
"Hi Liz! How's the big love of yours, James?"
"It's over!"
"Over? Why, what happened?"
"We got married..."
Marriage is not a lottery – you get a chance in a lottery.
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis!"
I replied, "That's 15 love!"
A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
"Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
A husband and wife go to a restaurant.
The waiter approaches the table to take their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.
"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."