Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent. "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?" "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."
A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes. The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room." She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that." The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference." She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early kill people.
A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who’s been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don’t have enough ammo, mate!"
A husband is driving with her blonde wife, the husband says "Can you stick your head out the window if the blinker works?" T hen the blonde sticks her head out the window and replies, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..".
Q: What did the fool do with his first 50 cent piece? A: He Married Her
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn’t the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room. 2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom. 3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"