Joke #3688

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year." Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving. Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
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One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their father, Big Jimmy John, sat down to eat supper. Big Jimmy John turned to Little Jimmy and asked, "Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?" To this Little Jimmy replied, "I want some of them fuckin' peas." In a flash, Big Jimmy John slapped the shit out Little Jimmy. "Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?" asked his father. I want some of them fuckin' peas," said Jimmy. Big Jimmy John then back handed Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and half way across the room. Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table where his father once again asked, "Little Jimmy, now what would you like to eat?" Once again Little Jimmy responded, "I want some of them fuckin' peas!" Furiously, Big Jimmy John snapped, savagely beatting Little Jimmy, leaving him bleeding and unconcious on the kitchen floor. Returning to the table, short of breathe, and trying to regain his composure, Big Jimmy John turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,"Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?" Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his father and quickely exclaimed, "Well you can bet your sweet ass, it ain't none of them Fuckin' Peas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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After Sunday school, the teacher released the kids to go to church and reminded them, "You all know to be very nice and quiet in the church. And why is that?"  Little Johnny offers, "Miss, it's so we wouldn't wake all those people sleeping."
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Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?" His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?" Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
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little Johnny: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight? Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right. little Johnny: Well, you could try.
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Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card." A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?" His father says, "I'm playing cards." "Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks. His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."
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While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
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Little Johnny: „Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?"  Mother: „No, you'll be getting turkey, like every year!"
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Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey, Dad! What are you doing?" His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."
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Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
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Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his sister's friend's pussy. She slapped him and said not to because it has teeth and will bite. As the years passed, and little Johnny one day grew to become a man, he was sitting in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs and squeezing her tits, when she said, "Aren't you going to feel my pussy?" He said, "I can't, its got teeth!" "Don't be a fool," she said, "have a look if you don't believe me." So he thought about it, then took off her panties and spread her legs. He looked in and said, "I'm not surprised you haven't got any teeth with gums like that!"
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