I married my wife for her money.
And believe me, I’ve earned it.
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A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!"
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
Vote:
A man comes home alone from work.
Suddenly he hears this voice saying: "Now its time to quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Las Vegas."
He doesn't pay much attention to it but after a week hearing the same voice, he thinks ok!
He quits his job, sells his house, withdraws all his money and goes to Vegas.
The moment he steps out of the plane the voice tells him "Find the nearest casino!"
He enters a casino and the voice says: " Go to the roulette-table and put all your money on 17 black!
He complies and the croupier spins the wheel and says "Rien ne va plus"
21 RED!
And then the voice goes "Damn!"
A builder was once building a fence to surround a farmer's sheep.
The builder finished, and the farmer was ready to pay.
The builder then came up to the farmer and said: "Sir, I hope this isn't too a-fenc-ive.
Vote:
Q: There is a $100 bill sitting in the middle of a 4 way intersection, at one side there is a man hating dike, at another side, there is Santa, at another side there is the Easter Bunny, and at the las side there is a man loving lesbian. Who gets the $100 bill?
A: The man hating dike because all others are a figure of your imagination.
Pawn Stars:
Man: "Can I have change for a dollar?"
Rick: "Best I can do is 75 cents."
The town’s local council remarks that the best lawyer in town never made a donation to charity tendency.
To convince him, the mayor calls him in his office:
Sir, I remarked that you’re revenue reached a number of $600.000.
With all these, you never made a donation to the charity...
If you looked into my files, did you also remark that my mother is sick, and the medicaments she needs exceed her funds?
No... answers mayor.
In second place, my brother, war veteran, is condemned in a wheelchair and he’s blind.
The mayor started apologizing, but was interrupted:
And more, my sister died into a car accident and left tree children orphans.
Stunned, the mayor says:
I didn’t know, please accept my apologies...
But the lawyer continues:
I don’t see why I should give you any money, if I don’t ever give them money...
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.
Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded,
"If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."
A man has visited a fortune teller because he wanted to know his future.
The fortune teller has taken a look at him from his head to his toes and has said: "you will be not rich because you have a very small ass and with such an ass it is not possible to sit on two seats."