Life is an open door.
It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
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Guy gets pulled over in his car by a pair of dudes in balaclavas, pointing guns in his face.
Terrorist (menacing voice): "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"
Driver, panicking, doesn't know which answer will save his life, has a bright idea.
Driver: "Neither, actually. In fact I'm Jewish."
Terrorist shouts to other terrorist: "Fucking hell Abdul, we've got one at last!"
A woman, after giving birth to six babies, upon seeing her husband gets up off the hospital bed, walks over to him shouting "I told you not to go doggy style!"
Daughter: Mom,does God go to bathroom?
Mom: Why? my child..
Daughter: Today in the morning I heard papa said, "Please God let me go to the bathroom..."
Me: "I'm finally happy!"
Life: "Lol, wait a sec."
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents.
Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
If you have a grief nobody feels,
If you have a pain nobody feels.
If your heart is broken nobody feels,
but if you fart all will understand.
Vote:
A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her.
He called his mother to share his good news with her.
He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee.
When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
His mother inquired as to why he had brought three women, instead of just one.
He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law.
She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead."
"How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired.
She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand her."