Joke #4059

I’ve been happily married for ten whole years. And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.

A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today." She goes in and find him with his pants down. "That's not a watch!" she says. "It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."

A man comes home and tells his wife to tell him something that is going to laugh and cry. Wife thinks for a minute and says... "of all your friends you have the biggest dick."

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She said, "Yes." ...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

A priest and a nun were on a mission trip up in the mountains when a snowstorm Came up. They saw an abandoned log cabin and went inside. The priest started a fire in the fireplace and found blankets and a sleeping bag but only one bed. The priest told the nun that she could sleep on the bed and he would sleep in the sleeping bag in the floor. As they were alone and beginning to get settled. The young nun said, "father?" in a song-song voice. He answered, "yes, sister?" "I'm cold." The priest got up and went to the closet and got another blanket and covered the nun. As he was settling back into his sleeping bag, she again said, "father?" "Yes, sister?" "I'm still cold." The priest got up and got another blanket from the closet and added it to the sisters' bed, tucking her in. He climbed back into the sleeping bag. Just as he was getting settled and the fire was crackling she called out to him again. "I'm still cold!" He said, "sister?" "Yes?" "We are all alone out here in this cabin in the mountains." "Yes, we are!" "Just this once... Yes? Just tonight... yes? Do you want to pretend that we are married?" "Oh yes! I do!" "Ok... get up and get your own dang blanket!"

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. ‘What’s up?’ says the driver. ‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman. ‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Warming up your dinner."

An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!" "Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?" "She's 19." "That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!" "Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."

My husband and I married for better or worse. He couldn’t do better and I couldn’t do worse.

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says: "An English girl!" The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you," replies the wife. "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?" "I asked for, the English girl?" "Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl!"

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?" Wife: "That's your job." Hasband: "Says who?" Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page." Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee." Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."