Joke #4120

Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet seat... Husband: How does it help Wife: I use your toothbrush!

Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!" The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? When the kids are in college.

Q: What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies? A: Kill BILL 1 and 2.

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

If it weren’t for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

A man and his wife shower together. The husband puts his hand on her breast and says, "These are nice, but if they were a bit firmer you could walk around without a bra for me." Then the husband pats her butt and says, "This is nice, but if it was a bit firmer, you could walk around without panties for me." The wife turns around to her husband, grabs his groin and says, "This is nice, but if it was a little bigger, I wouldn't need your brother."

My wife is temperamental. Fifty per cent temper and 50 per cent mental.