Did you hear about the policeman who found a stolen car on Acacia Street?
He pushed it onto Park Street – he couldn’t spell Acacia.
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Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
The police thought it was a cereal killer.
Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."
The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands: “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies: “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car.
When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.
He said "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire!
We are going car to car collecting donations."
"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"
He said "about ten gallons."
What Not to Say to a Policeman:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
The question is do YOU know why you pulled me over?
I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.
It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!
A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen.
They go on a ride and come back pleased.
"This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop.
"My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop.
"But how do we know which is which?"
They though for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea.
"Lets cut off this ones tail"
The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail.
The next morning The police chief is standing infront of the horses and looks really mad.
The two cops see this and ask whats wrong.
"You two morons cut off the horses tail that's what's wrong!"
"But otherwise we couldn't tell them apart."
"Can't you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one?!"
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.
Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You drinkin'?"
The driver said, "You buyin'?"
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked the farmer, “Didn’t you know it is against the law
to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?”
The farmer replied, “No, I didn’t knowed that.”
The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, “To Memphis”.
The cop said, “I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.”
So the farmer promised he would.Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.
The cop said “I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis”.
And to this the farmer replied “I did and we had so much fun, I’m taking him to the circus.”