Dick goes into a rough bar and orders a drink. A man sidles up to him and says, ‘I can see you’re a stranger in here.’ ‘Why, yes,’ says Dick. ‘How could you tell?’ The man replies, ‘You’ve taken your hand off your glass.’
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?" "No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already off your face."
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
A bloke walks into a pub and sees Van Gogh standing at the bar. ‘Hi Van, can I get you a drink?’ ‘No, thanks, I got one ear.’
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have, pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this? " "You're speaking to it."