I drink to steady my nerves. Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.
They say whisky and petrol don’t mix. They do, but it doesn’t taste nice.
Why beer goes through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color.
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The attorney responded, "Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"
Two drunks are walking down the street when they come across a dog, sitting on the kerb, licking its privates. They watch for a while before one of them says, ‘I sure wish I could do that!’ The other looks at him and says, ‘Wouldn’t you like to make friends with him first?’‘
The Bible says I'll pay for my sins. I already do, Escorts, drugs and alcohol don't come free.
"What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?" "A Budweiser in each hand!"
I've trained my dog to bring me red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie.
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.
Two drunks are sitting side by side in a bar. One of the drunks goes to the bathroom but neglects to button up his fly when he’s finished. He staggers back to the bar, sits on a bar stool, and his penis flops out on the bartop. The other drunk yells, ‘Snake!’ and hits the penis with a bottle. The first drunk shouts, ‘Hit it again! It just bit me!’
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party? They're both out looking for a tight seal.