Joke #4507

A husband gives his wife a complete mink outfit for her birthday – a 12-bore shotgun and some traps.

A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed 4 dollars. "But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer. "Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did. The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt. The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks. The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Many people get valuable furniture on hire purchase, it’s not that expensive when they buy it, but by the time it’s paid for they’re usually antiques.

The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.

Why is money green? Because people usually pick it before it's ripe!

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden." The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage. They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.

Q: When do Democrats like the idea of a flat tax? A: After it reaches 95%

Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back.

If Asda is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the shop free yet?

Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?