Good advice for cocktail parties: If you can’t say something nice about someone, just hold your drink and listen to others who can’t either.
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed. That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says, "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants" The pirate replies, "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts."
Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them. The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up." The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me." And the third one says "I'll name mine Jack Daniels." The others say "Hey! That's not a softdrink that's a hard licker!". She says "That's My Georgie!!"
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer. The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy. The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly. Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?" "I haven't got any money!"
Chuck Norris can change the tire on a car while it's still moving.
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.
My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunk!! Hahahahaha wot a fucking LAUGH!