Joke #4609

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, ‘There’s a hell of a lot of steps here.’ The second drunk says, ‘I’ll tell you what’s worse, this hand rail is low down.’
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Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. The wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said to her, "what are you doing..baking..at this time of the night" ?
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A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "sorry we don't serve snails" and throws him out. A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says,"What did you do that for!?"
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An alcoholic walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, stupid, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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An Irishman walks out of a bar.
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There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
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My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
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Harry, to Tom: ‘I went to the dentist this morning.’ Tom: ‘So does your tooth still hurt?’ Harry: ‘I don’t know; he kept it.’
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Q:How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking? A:He's nursing a Mike's Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay!
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When Chuck Norris was a child, he would play with real logs instead of Lincoln logs.
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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
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