I came downstairs this morning and my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast.
So I said, ‘Eggs, bacon, fried bread and mushrooms.’
At least that’s what I meant to say.
What I actually said was, ‘You’ve ruined my life, you fat ugly witch.’
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A: Kill BILL 1 and 2.
Q: If marriage is terrific what is divorce?
A: Ten thousand!
Wife: "Every sunday you go for fishing, right?"
Husband: "Yeah... Why?"
Wife: "Today the fish came here and told she's pregnant."
A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon.
Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport.
A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk.
The manager asks why his wife has left the island.
"Were you not having a good time?"
The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."
"Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you."
"Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"
Happy Father's Day to someome who's been completely replaced in his marriage by Fifty Shades of Grey.
Vote:
When a married man says "I'll think about it", what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
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