Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
Because he couldn't afjord a new one!
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Life is an open door.
It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
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A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency?
He said quickly Obama.
When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?
I know when god becomes angry.
When teenage girls get pregnant and their parents exclaim, "Oh god! What have you done?!"
You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass.
You know what that means?
You Matter.
Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application.
"Do you have references?" she asked.
The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
Q: What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
A: What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."