THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 60
1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7) Things you buy now won't wear out.
8) You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9) You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
10) You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11) You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14) You sing along with elevator music.
15) Your eyes won't get much worse.
16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20) You can't remember the Web site where you saw this list.
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Similar jokes
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A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you don´t mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
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An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
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After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news:
“Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.
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At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday:
I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night.
The speaker was a missionary who told about his work.
I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all.
So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God.
I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story.
But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone.'
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
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An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.
The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.
Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.
The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."
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An elderly man remembers the good old days:
“When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single $, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2 breads, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras."
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A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer.
The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and suddenly, the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I tried to get my weapon ready, but there was no time, the tiger leapt toward me with a mighty Roooaarrrrr!I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went Roooaarrrrr!"
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When is a retiree's bedtime?
Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
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