Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs. Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs. Please do not die Kevin Bacon.
If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?
What happened when the cannibal got a religion? He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
How many dead babies does it take to change a tire? Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.
Are you lost, ma'am? Because Heaven's a long way from here.
Went to a Muslim birthday party the other day. It was great fun, we blew up a bouncy castle and then had a really intense game of pass the parcel.
Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
Q: What's the slowest thing on 80 wheels? A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.
What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool? Throw in your laundry.
A guy is walking along the beach, when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the sand, crying. He walks over to her and asks what's wrong. "I've never been hugged before" she says. Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her. She soon starts crying again. He again asks what's wrong, and she replies, "I've never been kissed before." The man again complies with her wishes and gives her a romantic kiss. She starts crying again, and the man, slightly irritated, asks what's her problem. "I've never been fucked before" she says. So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There, now you're fucked."
Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion? "Ask your sister" "I don't have a..."