Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs.
Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs.
Please do not die Kevin Bacon.
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
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Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?
Because they're hand made.
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What do you call a black woman thats had 5 or more abortions?
Crime fighter.
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Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?
"Ask your sister"
"I don't have a..."
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Don't break anybody's heart - they have only one.
Break their bones - they have 206.
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Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: He saw his gas bill.
Two hunters are out in the wood when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator:"My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter seys,"Ok, now what?"
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Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches.
Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
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Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.
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Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is.
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