Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs. Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs. Please do not die Kevin Bacon.
Q: Why does Luke Skywalker always ask for favors? A: Because he needs someone to lend a hand.
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store. I thought "You are never going to find here what you are looking for"...
What's brown and gurgles? A baby in a casserole.
A school in the United States is on fire. One fireman is throwing the kids through the window, while the other one is standing on the ground and catching them. After half of an hour the upper fireman asks: Hey man, why aren't you catching black kids? Oh damn, I thought these were the burnt ones.
My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding? A baby in a microwave.
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other "I don't like your friend." The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.