Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs. Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs. Please do not die Kevin Bacon.
A Mexican and a nigger are riding in car. Who's driving? A cop!
My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday. So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.
Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion? "Ask your sister" "I don't have a..."
Doctor to patient: "Why are you nervous?" Patient: "Because this is the first item I am going to have An operation." Doctor: "But I am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation."
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
What rule could stop HIV in Africa? Sex after dinner only.
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy "Hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared." Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
Don't break anybody's heart - they have only one. Break their bones - they have 206.
First Cannibal: "Have you seen the dentist?" Second Cannibal: "Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time."