Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs. Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs. Please do not die Kevin Bacon.
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black — that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
Two boiled eggs in a pan, one says "Hot in here in it", other says "You think it's hot in here, wait till you get outside they smash your head in."
Patient: "Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?" Doctor: "That is what I want to find out myself."
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping.
Anal sex is like your first car - you dont really want it, but your dad gave it to you anyways.
The only church which is disseminating light and warmth is the burning church.
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson? He thought he would give him a paunch!
What rule could stop HIV in Africa? Sex after dinner only.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.