Joke #5042

I've got a new anorexic girlfriend. Its not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her ...

Boy: "Do you like parties?" Girl: "Yes, why?" Boy: "Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!"

Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

1 woman and 9 men shipwreck on a deserted island. After one week, the woman, disgusted by the things she was doing, kills herself. After another week, the men, disgusted by the things they were doing, buried her. After another week, the men, more disgusted by the things they were doing, dug her up.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress? She was charged with rustling!

Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch? A: You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road.   She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she replied. "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"