Joke #5108

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

What is the best type of ship? FRIENDSHIP!

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?" Doctor: "How old are you now?" Patient: "40" Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?" Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice." Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"

Two guys narrowly escaped from a sinking ship on a life raft and discovered a magic lamp tucked away in a dark cranny. Figuring what the hell, one of the men gave the lamp a rub and "poof," a cloud of smoke. A second later, a genie appeared and said, "I will grant each of you one wish." After thinking a while, the first man turned to the genie and said, "I wish I were floating on an ocean of beer." The genie granted the man's wish and disappeared. The man's companion turned to him and said, "Way to go idiot. Now we have to pee in the boat."

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc... The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "OK," and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

Jesus walks into a hotel, rings the bell, and waits for the receptionist to come out. He looks her dead in the eye, slams three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

A man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor. The latter examined his hands carefully for sometime and consulted many large volumes on his shelves. Finally, he asked the patient: "Have you had this trouble before?" He answered: "Yes." Doctor said: "You have again got it."