A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave.
Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.
The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid hag was hiding under the bed
Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked.
I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
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Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?'"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
Jesus walks into a hotel, rings the bell, and waits for the receptionist to come out.
He looks her dead in the eye, slams three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
Q:Why is a doctor always calm.
A: Because it has a lot of patients.
Baby, at midnight we celebrate one year from the last time you kissed me.
Look how time files!
Life is an open door.
It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual.
It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.
He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What terrible weather today honey," he said to her.
"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!" she replied.
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."