Women are looking for Mr. Right.
Men are looking for Ms. Right Now.
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Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Chuck Norris lives in a Roundhouse...
And his favorite drink is punch...
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What's lil Wayne's favorite kind of pizza?
Little Seizures.
What?
To soon?
An old man tells his psychiatrist that he is already very old and he has committed during his life many sins.
The psychiatrist wanted to help him, so he has asked him: "And how long are you with your wife?"
The man answered: "45 years."
The psychiatrist said: "Don´t have the fear, because after your death you will be surely added to the sufferers, sleep well."
Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where does ur parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do u all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is ur house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: If i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: Tell me
Me: Next to my house...
Los Angeles Homeless...
Homeless people here are different.
You ever notice that?
Our homeless people are serious, man.
They have signs that not only say, "Will work for food," some of them have what they want: "Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives."
An elderly couple are in church.
The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart.
What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
Things our family enjoys together without anyone complaining:
1.
The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.
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