Joke #5188

How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
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has 47.21 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: marriage

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There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen. The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom. The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Screw you." But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
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has 62.43 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: marriage, sex
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
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has 85.41 % from 208 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
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has 65.94 % from 79 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, lawyer, marriage, time
Tom was a model husband. Mind you, he wasn’t a working model.
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has 31.97 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: marriage
One morning when I was going out of the house I met my neighbor's daughter who was pregnant. When I returned home I saw her father closing the door. I told him: "Your daughter hasn't married yet I wonder how it is possible a girl without any husband be pregnant? For a moment her father with a bitter smile said: "She isn't pregnant; it is all wind in her belly. She farts and would recovery." Next year perchance I saw the same girl with a baby in her arms. Next day when I was going out facing her father so I told him: "I saw your daughter with her fart in her arms."
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has 85.75 % from 922 votes. More jokes about: baby, communication, fart, marriage, time
While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asks her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."
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has 85.28 % from 307 votes. More jokes about: holiday, husband, marriage
Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking? ‘Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.’ Jackie Mason
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has 62.37 % from 77 votes. More jokes about: marriage
I took two marriage vows. Silence and poverty.
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has 44.13 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: marriage
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
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has 83.75 % from 143 votes. More jokes about: age, marriage, old people, wife
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'... I took her to a petrol station...
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has 85.42 % from 168 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wife