A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
Yo mama so fat when you have sex with her you have to slap her stomach and ride the wave in.
Man to woman: ‘Tell me, after having sex do you ever smoke?’ Woman: ‘I’ve never looked.’
Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes you? A: If you stick your hand in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant? Her feet.
In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex." The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?" Johnny says, "Seventy-three." The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..." She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?" Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl." Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."
Once while having s*x in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and ran into the engine. We now know this truck....as Optimus Prime.
What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life? You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter.
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says: "I can not proceed in this way." And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they dig up the woman.
A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. The husband: Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!