A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?" Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."
Knock-Knock Who is there? A long penis with a naked head. Come in please we were waiting for you.
A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary: Darling, have you been unfaithful to me? Yes, honey, three times. When was the first time? Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you. Thanks, darling. And when was the second time? Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you? Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time? Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?
Yo moma so fat that when I tried to have sex with her I burned my ass off the lightbulb.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, “Mary. Mary.” “Is that you, Fred?” “Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.” “What’s it like?” “Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.” “Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.” “Not exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”
Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.
Happy Father's Day to the top three most likely candidates.
My girlfriend used to fake foreplay. A man falls asleep on a beach and gets severe sunburn. He’s rushed to hospital by his wife
An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said. The man replied, "thats good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"
Q: What does a good steak have in common with good sex? A: They're both very rare.