Joke #5990

2 Scientists walk into a bar, the bartender asks what they'll have. The first one says he'll have H2O. The second one said he'll have H2O too. The second one died.
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has 61.71 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: alcohol

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A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender. "One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!" "Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika." Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."
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has 50.70 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A blonde, a priest, a doctor, a nurse, a brunette, a redhead, a lawyer, a rabbi, a musician, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman an American, A Russian, an Iraqi, Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin, George W Bush, Osama Bin laden and Barack Obama walked into a bar. The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
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has 30.47 % from 54 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, blonde, lawyer, nurse, priest
There once was two people Lisa and Brian They got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso. So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body. So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever. When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out. When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out. After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body. As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died. The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head."
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has 24.95 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, kids, life, marriage
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
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has 71.33 % from 99 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, money, wife
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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has 70.18 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.
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has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. ‘One thing about Jim,’ his buddy said to the bartender. ‘He knows when to stop.’
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has 48.02 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
I've trained my dog to bring me red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie.
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has 62.22 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, dog, wine
I drink to steady my nerves. Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.
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has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar, and says to the barman, ‘I want you to call me David Hoff.’ ‘Sure,’ says the barman. ‘No hassle.’
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has 35.66 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol