Marraige is a 3-ring circus.
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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A man and his wife shower together.
The husband puts his hand on her breast and says, "These are nice, but if they were a bit firmer you could walk around without a bra for me."
Then the husband pats her butt and says, "This is nice, but if it was a bit firmer, you could walk around without panties for me."
The wife turns around to her husband, grabs his groin and says, "This is nice, but if it was a little bigger, I wouldn't need your brother."
I was married to a Gemini she caught me cheating on her with herself.
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?
Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her… Or something like that.
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?
‘Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.’
Jackie Mason
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: ‘If you were my husband I’d poison your brandy.’
Churchill: ‘If you were my wife I’d drink it.’
A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name.
The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this.
"Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!"
She gets very frustrated.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"
Air Force Approach: "Eagle 13, turn right to 330."
Eagle 13: "Roger 330."
App: "Eagle 13, I've been working since last night, Will you do me a favor?"
Eagle 13: "Affirmative.
Go ahead."
App: "Down below on your right, you'll see a base house with yellow roof near the lake.
That is my house.
I had a fight with my Wife, and I'm worried she might take it out on my Harley.
Do you see a Harley Davidson near the house?"
Eagle 13: "Negative sir.
Instead I can see a Ryder's truck."