Joke #6856

A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: “Hello my son. I want to have a life insurance policy.” Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?” “You know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.” Even more perplexed the insurer, asks: "Again, sorry, but how old is your father?” “127. ” “127? And what will you do in Europe?” He answers: “We will go to the wedding of my grandfather.” Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?” “He is … Oh, 150.” And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: “Oh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?” “Bullshit, you know his parents are pressing him!”

A magician comes to a seniors' home for entertainment afternoon: "Aaaaand? Is everybody heeere?" Seniors, enthusiastically, "Yeaaaah!" Magician, winking, "But not for looooong...!"

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years. Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all." "Memory school? What memory school?" Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower..." "A rose?" asked Red. "Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.  He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.  Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.  Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."  Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.  Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.  Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy says "It's a pussy willow."  Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at eight o'clock I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at seven o'clock sharp I urinate. Every morning at eight o'clock I move my bowels. Every morning at nine o'clock sharp I wake up."

An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"

My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She'd say "Knock knock." We'd say "Who's there?". Then she'd say "I can't remember" and start to cry.

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

A little old lady went to the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet" "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway". "It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"