A couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea! My girlfriend? She is a dream! But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister… This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses. Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else! One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister. I was shocked and could not say a word… She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her. I froze and looked at her going up the stairs. Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me. I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door. I opened it and I walked to the car. My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!" Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can’t wear your pants," she said. "That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can’t get into your panties!" She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"
Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What’s wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'" "What’s your name?” she asked. He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog. After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
Jim is up north on a trip and his car breaks down. He checks it out for a minute and being a mechanic he pretty quickly knows he needs a tow truck. He opens his phone and has no signal so he starts walking. A few minutes later he here's the bass of a car coming in the distance, bht dum dum do buh dum dum do. He waits and sees a low riding car pull up next to him. The windows roll down and smoke pours out. He sees a bunch of empty beer bottles. The driver and his 3 passengers ask "hey man! Need a lift? We saw your car up the road?" He thinks for a minute and decides not to go with them. The ask what's wrong with the car the mechanic replies "uhh just piston broke that's all" the driven than replies "eh so are we man hop in!"
There was an ad in the newspaper: An agriculturist looks for a woman with a tractor. The photo of the tractor is required.
One day there were two men. One was driving a Mercedes Benz and the other was riding a horse, both waiting at the traffic light. The man in the Benz looked at the horse and noticed something different, that horse was not a normal horse. It was an electric horse and has 3 buttons in it if you press one button it moves forward, if you press the second button it moves faster and if you press the last button it will stop. The guy in the Benz was really impressed, so he asked the guy riding the horse if he wanted to trade the horse for the Benz, so he agreed. They did the trade and the guy riding the horse drove the Benz and went on his way but the other guy was still stuck in the traffic light trying to get the horse to move. He tried all the buttons but the horse does not seem to be moving so he called the horse owner and asked him if he can come back to show him how to move the horse. So the guy came back, he pressed all the buttons again but the horse still doesn't move. He noticed the horse's penis was up so he tells the other guy: "Ohh you forgot to release the handbrake!"
Man walks over to a lady in a bar and asks "whats your name ?" "Carmen" she replies,... "I like cars and men ! Whats yours ?" The man looks her up and down and sayes "Beerpussy ..."
Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together. One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?" "I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man. He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives. Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding." "You got a silver compact and a red pickup?" "The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck." The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom." "I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls." The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it!" The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"