Joke #7191

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
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A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions." "What? How could you?" "Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free." "Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?" "Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job." "Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?" "Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house
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An old man lived alone in Tasmania. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.   Dear Jase,   I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year; I’m just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.   A few days later he received a letter from his son.   Dear Dad,   For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase.   At 4A.M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.   Dear Dad.   Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Jase.
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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
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Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
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An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
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When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!". Moral: Hard work is never appreciated, only result matters...
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A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"
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