Q: Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?
A: He's been feeling down in the dumps.
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Some advice for guys: When the red river's flowin', take the dirt road.
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A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
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How did Captain Hook die?
He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!
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What's worse than 11 dead babies stapled to a tree?
1 dead baby stapled to 11 trees.
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Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
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How do you unload a truck of zombie babies?
With a pitchfork.
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Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go.
The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.
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What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?
I'll see you next period.
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Q: What's the difference between apple pie and pussy?
A: You can eat Granmas apple pie.
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Being single is cool cause you can eat a whole jar of pepperoncinis and spend the rest of the night farting spicily into the abyss.
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