A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started. After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress. On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again. On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, “On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?” “Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can.”
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde a dded, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
There's this blonde. She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets. She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane" The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica" So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane. She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica". So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear. The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane. They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her. The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent." The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."
A blonde calls her mom... Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!" Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?" Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard thepouf. Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together..." "Why?" "Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?" "No, of course I couldn't!" "Well he couldn't either!"
Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
3 dads bragging about their children's success gets a surprise when a 4th dad tells them this! Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually, he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for"? One of the three said: "We were talking abo ut the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"