I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.
The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"
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The more self-killers, the fewer self-killers.
Chuck can use "save" in real life.
But he doesn't need it.
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Imagine being completely naked in room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you...
This is life of a dog.
Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Hot.
Everyone can catch cold.
You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat?
And they look at you and say they don't know.
And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know.
I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'.
Patient: Doc I keep on forgetting things.
Doctor: Since when did you have these problems?
Patient: What problems?
Life is a car wash … and I’m on a bicycle.
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child.
If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."
How did Nicki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas?
Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.