I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.
The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"
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Q: The more you take the more you leave behind. What am I?
A: footsteps
Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.
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"Doctor I feel like biscuits!"
"What, you mean those square ones?"
"Yes!"
"The ones you put butter on?"
"Yes!"
"Well, that means you’re crackers!"
If I could bring one dead person back to life I'd bring back Walt Disney.
Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...
When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?”
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces.
St. Peter was convinced and let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.
“How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, “Well heck, I don’t know.”
St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?”
St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”
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Justin Bieber puked on stage.
That settles it, she's pregnant.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day.
That seems like a strange place to put a call center.
A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club.
He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy.
The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free.
The golfer agrees and takes out the robot.
While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.
The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.
He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore.
The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.
The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.
The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?
The golf pro said that they did paint them into black robot caddies, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.
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I'm actually glad that 2 Chainz mentions his name at the begin of every song.
It gives me time to change the radio station.