Joke #7577

A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked confused, so a clerk walked up to them and asked them what they wanted. The couple asked for a couple of lottery tickets. He gave the tickets to them, and they paid for them. The husband looked confused again. He asked the clerk, “What the hell do I do with these damn things?” The clerk replied, “Well, you're supposed to scratch the box and see if you've won anything.” The wife looked disgusted. "Oh please," she muttered. "What?" asked the clerk. "Oh nothing," she answered, "it's just that, well, he's been scratching down there for years, and he ain't won a damn thing."

A couple goes to Mexico City on vacation and eats at a famous local restaurant. The waiter tells them they have a delicious special every Sunday, so the couple orders the special. With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping. It smells delicious and tastes even better. The couple is delighted with their meal, and the husband asks the waiter what fabulous meat was in the dish. "Senor," he explains, "each Saturday night, we have the bullfights, and that was the bull's balls you ate." The couple is a bit taken aback by what they have just eaten, but it was delicious, so they get over it. Six months later, the couple returns to Mexico City and decides to go to the same restaurant. Feeling adventuresome, they order the same dish. Once again, with great fanfare, the waiter brings out the huge silver serving dish and places it on the table. But this time, there are two tiny pieces of meat, barely enough for one. The man says, "Excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this portion so small?" The waiter smiles and replies, "Well, you see, senor, sometimes the bull wins!"

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. "OK, honey," he says, "this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom." The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees. So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous erection. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife — right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain. The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hosital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, "Doc, doc, how bad is it?" "That's nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob."

There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered. "I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said. "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample". After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?" "He needs a pair of your underwear".

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present. When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video. He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video. On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friend's d**k. He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough. Then she turns to the camera. "Oh, hello, I want a divorce."

After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence. She warns him that he'll fart his guts out. One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence. The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"

What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon? "Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"

Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining. She said to her husband, "Nobody loves me….nobody cares for me..the whole world hates me!" Her husband, watching TV said casually: "That’s not true dear. You are not that famous that whole world hates you. Some people don’t even know you."

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

One spelling mistake can destroy your life! A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word: "I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..!"

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down. She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?" "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. "Okay," she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me neither," says Jed. "Let's take these things off."